When did you feel that you stopped receiving Love from your parents? Family members? Lover?
Sometimes, when I’m alone at a café, I love looking at people and especially trying to catch their eyes, to get eye contact. It is amazing how much we can feel and see from that person. That person is anonymous but there is something deep and meaningful happening in this instant. (For the ones who experienced a family constellation, I am sure you know what I mean. For those that haven’t, I recommend you to, at least once, have eye contact with someone and sit silently for a few minutes. The experience can be life-changing)
To return to the subject, when I do that, most of the time I feel sadness, a disconnection from Love and irrevocably if I really want to focus on that person, I will see the face of the little boy or girl who felt a lack of love. Why as an adult do we stay in this period of our life where we felt that we did not receive Love? Still need for reparation? Well, it will be too much to ask to our past but we can satisfy this desire of Love on our own and in the present moment.
Each stage of development has its own requirements and our needs for attention and love on the part of our parents change every year.
It is during childhood that trust, love, and happiness take shape. So, at this age, love expresses itself through the care of the mother and her attention to provide for her child. If during this phase the mother's condition is not constant, or if she rejects her child, the child may be suspicious and will have an excessive fear about his own well-being, happiness and love.
In adult life it is very difficult to establish contact with those type of people; when they start a love relationship, they feel the need to put their half to the test, submitting him/her to situations that demonstrate his/her devotion.
A few years later, from 2 to 4 years old, the child learns to be self-sufficient and develops his capacity of self-control. If parents make it difficult to develop in these areas, or if they expect their child to do impossible things, the child will feel ashamed. On the other hand, if parents excessively correct the children without taking into account the true natural needs of his age, the child will probably have problems to control the world around him and to control himself.
So that in adulthood, instead of being self-assured, those types of people feel that they are analyzed into details by their peers, and they treat them with mistrust or disapproval. They will likely exhibit symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder and delirium of persecution.
Around 3-6 years old, one demonstrates one's love by encouraging independence, supporting initiative, curiosity and creativity. If the parents do not allow the child to act independently in this phase, and if they respond with disproportionate punishments to the child's behavior, a feeling of guilt will arise in him.
The adult life of a person suffering from this type of gap is marked by an inadequate approach to certain situations, the inability to set real goals and to achieve them. In addition, the constant feeling of guilt can be the cause of passivity, impotence and also psychopathic behavior.
At school age, the interest and love for study develops. If during this period there is doubt about the child's abilities or status compared to other children of the same age, this may hamper his/her desire to continue studying and give rise to a feeling of inferiority, which, in the future, will result in a feeling of inability to be an active and productive member of society.
If children perceive academic achievement as the only requirement that determines their success in their adult lives, they will probably be part of the "mass of workers", without any real role in the hierarchy of established society.
So, what to do?
The best way to do it is to reconnect with your inner child (the little boy or girl that you used to be). I propose to give your hand and attention to your inner child. To do this, look for a picture of you when you were little, or just imagine the child that lives within you. How old is he/she? What does he/she look like? What is he/she thinking? Who is at his/her side? What is he/she afraid of? Don’t think about your answers – trust your first gut reactions.
Talk with him/her. Have a dialogue. Reassure your inner child.
Take a sheet and two pencils of different colors, one with the right hand, the other with the left hand. If you are right-handed, your right hand will be your adult "I" who writes, and your left hand will be your "I" child who will speak. If you are left-handed, do the opposite.
Now, it's only you and your inner child. Who will speak first? Who will start the conversation? The answers you get are as unexpected as they are surprising.
Now that you have found your inner child, talk with him/her. It is time for a relationship to arise between the two of you: speak with this child as soon as he/she wants, ask him/her what she/he needs, give him/her what he/she will ask you. Call him/her by his/her name (yours), tell him/her sweet words, full of affection, express your love, and advise him/her. Be the parent you needed when you were that age.
Bring Love back into his/her life and you will see the incredible effects on your adult’s life. And, if it’s still difficult for you to connect with your inner child, together, we can have a few sessions of Family Constellations.
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